Very interesting. I had never thought of it in that respect. I had always thought that I was being empathetic in saying or feeling that I knew how another person felt. I thought it built a bridge between their feelings and mine. It is so true that we all come from such different experiences and perspectives that it really isn't possible. There may be some similarities but no way of truly knowing how another feels. I will think of this differently from now on.
I guess the best thing would be to listen, just listen.
But on the receiving end we can realize that we are all human and fumble around with our feelings. Although some gestures of empathy may not be comforting, we may need to be forgiving of those attempts if they are truly sincere although misguided. It may be an effort to build a bridge.
Thanks for making me think and I will try to be considerate in a whole new way.
Jonathan Brink
· 2 months ago
Blake, Maturana and Varela wrote in the Tree of Knowledge a great piece about this. It's the idea that we live on the razor's edge between solipsism and complete empathy.
Research is now discovering the bodies mirror neurons that actually mimic a large part of the other human's experience. We see what the other person is going through and then our neurons actually re-experience the same emotion. It's how we relate to a large extent.
I think the value of, "I know you feel" is in not trying to go too far towards false empathy. Recognizing the difference actually may draw two people together closer by opening the doors to talking more about it.
lizdyer
· 2 months ago
Blake - Thanks for putting into words something that I have been feeling in my gut for a while now. I agree with Robbie that we would do well to be gracious with those who express their empathy with "I know how you feel" dialogue as their attempt to connect is probably sincere - but, I would say that we should encourage one another to recognize we (humans) have a tendency to relate to others from a place that is self-centered and if we can resist that tendency we have an opportunity to become better comforters and encouragers.
lizdyer
· 2 months ago
Blake - I meant to ask - did you enjoy Rob's presentation? We have tickets to see him in the Dallas area in Novemeber.
John Meunier
· 2 months ago
Reminds me of discussions of the word "compassion," which means - IIRC - being with someone in their suffering or grief or turmoil. The goal is not to "identify" with them - whatever that means - but to be present with them in whatever they are in.
I'd agree that "I know what you feel" is often wrong and not helpful to the person. It is an "I" statement, which makes the speaker the subject of the sentence. How about "Tell me how you feel" or "What happened"?
All Comments
I guess the best thing would be to listen, just listen.
But on the receiving end we can realize that we are all human and fumble around with our feelings. Although some gestures of empathy may not be comforting, we may need to be forgiving of those attempts if they are truly sincere although misguided. It may be an effort to build a bridge.
Thanks for making me think and I will try to be considerate in a whole new way.
Research is now discovering the bodies mirror neurons that actually mimic a large part of the other human's experience. We see what the other person is going through and then our neurons actually re-experience the same emotion. It's how we relate to a large extent.
I think the value of, "I know you feel" is in not trying to go too far towards false empathy. Recognizing the difference actually may draw two people together closer by opening the doors to talking more about it.
I'd agree that "I know what you feel" is often wrong and not helpful to the person. It is an "I" statement, which makes the speaker the subject of the sentence. How about "Tell me how you feel" or "What happened"?